Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Sounds like a bargain

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.