My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
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If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I don’t believe him.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.