Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line