Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

“i miss shittin on people”

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day