my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
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“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Sunday
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
is this meant to deter me
