When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
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Draw me like one of your French Fries.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired