cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
mom had nothing to worry about
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins