Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

My dryer is celebrating lint.

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?