Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

These are my roll models.

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope