Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

Not today. 😅

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

I’d … I’d rather not.

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.