Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

Like sleeping!

I mean…but I did

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off