Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

what could possibly go wrong?

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

What in the hipster hell is going on here