My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
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That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.