Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
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Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
