Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
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My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.