Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend