Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
You Might Also Like
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Go girl power!
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber