Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.