[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect