when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
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[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
mood
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
My birthstone is pecan pie.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.