Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways