therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
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[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
50 shades of grey = my Liver
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.