Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.