the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
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Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
The only equipped I am is ill.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.