Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.