Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k