Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

😜

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

Dyslexics are teople poo!

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me