Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets