Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

I need to sieze this.

What about a To-Don’t List?

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”