doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
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Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Has there ever been a more American story?
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]