Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
You Might Also Like
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree