Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

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-Librarians arguing

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

They did not think through this water fountain

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work