Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

Who needs an Air Fryer?

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.