Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.