Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Hello Twits.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot