Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls