Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock