This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
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Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
liiiiiiiiike
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what