When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
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Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Yup
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.