Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
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My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Finished stitching this today 😇
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
what does he know…
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”