I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
You Might Also Like
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Grandmother clock.
and now we wait
zone out
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
*puts words between two asterisks*
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R