Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

Happy Thanksgiving

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat