I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
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I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Thoughts
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.