Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese