Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
when mom throws a party…
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
6: are snakes just neck?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️