My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
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My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers