Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
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I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
me 2 months after i graduated
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”