Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.