Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

handsome & gretel

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.