Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
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My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.